The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
A woman drives into a bar.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.