I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I want this so bad
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?