Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.