sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday