Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”