Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.