I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel