I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off