Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
We’re all getting idioter.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Planet of the Apps.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water