I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat