According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point