The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
You Might Also Like
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?