Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.