I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
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“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches