Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
are there any atheist mantises?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.