(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
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If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.