Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
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i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.