“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
that lip filler tho
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…