[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?