Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
You Might Also Like
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.