they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
podcasts
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.