*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?