me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
We found love in a hopeless place.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
felt that
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh