[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
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Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Breaking news:
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Going to church you guys need anything
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth