Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
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How to make infinite energy.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one