When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
plums roundup
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.