Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The struggle is real.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well