Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Safety first
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.