The three genders.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Do not levitate over flowers
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them