If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
jesus, what did this guy do
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.