Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
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You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u