No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things