Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Husband of the year 😂
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”