If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me too 😆
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Worth a try
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it