[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.