My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
socratic questions
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.