Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
cats when you pet them too long:
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
New menu item
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.