every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?