“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…