north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
sir, my pâté if you please
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
You know…for fall…
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom