—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job