What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
yeah 😭
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”