This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.