[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
m’lady
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?