I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
No. He’s not coming out to play
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.