me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
incredible text to wake up to
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
i will not be silenced
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
eggs benadryl
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.