Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
next level snooze
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted