I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
People buying plungers never look happy.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it