I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
just gave your address to some spiders
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family