MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
c’mon!
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
crying
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.